Wednesday — Direct Deposit in the Clouds
From the Series “The Payroll Manager Diaries: Tales from the Shared Service Centre”
Dear Diary,
Ah, direct deposits. The thing that should make life easier but instead manages to ruin it spectacularly. The U.S. bank we work with decided to "upgrade" their system, which apparently is American English for "let’s mess with payroll." Half the direct deposits for Europe went through, the other half... well, we’re still getting emails from confused employees across the continent.
Carl, the sales guy in Sweden, sent an angry email at 6 AM his time, demanding to know where his money is. I’d suggest checking under the cushions of his sleek Scandinavian sofa, but Carl has no sense of humour before his second cup of coffee. Or ever.
Then there’s the Dutch team, who are always so efficient it’s almost suspicious. Their payroll went through without a hitch, of course. But Mark, their manager, still sent a “just checking” email to make sure everything was fine. It’s as if they’re waiting for me to admit that we’ve been slacking off, but sorry, Mark, not today.
Karen, meanwhile, was busy organising a “Diversity in Payroll” webinar. The invite showed up in my inbox this morning, complete with a colourful flyer that looked like it was designed for a children’s party. The webinar promises to explore how our payroll practices can better reflect the diverse cultures of our European workforce. I’m pretty sure payroll is supposed to be about paying people correctly, not about whether the system allows for different emoji skin tones but try telling that to Karen.
Nigel, not to be outdone, cornered me after lunch. “About those direct deposits — let’s make sure the error doesn’t impact our fiscal projections. We’ll need to accrue for any anticipated discrepancies, and I’d recommend a quick variance analysis to see how this affects our capital expenditures. Oh, and don’t forget to adjust for the FX rates. We wouldn’t want any unexpected fluctuations on our balance sheet.”
I nodded again, while internally screaming. And just when I thought the day couldn’t get worse, I got an email from Jacques in France: "Can I opt to receive my salary in gold bullion? It’s more stable, you see." Stable? Sure. Also, not happening.
I’m definitely dropping in at the wine bar and at the wine shop after work today.